Holiday Magic Runs on Women—and It’s Exhausting.

The Christmas cards still haven’t been sent, but the work behind them has been mentally unfolding for months. A photo session was booked at the end of summer, family outfits were planned and purchased in the fall, and the actual shoot finally happened in November—after plenty of emails coordinating timing, location, and weather.

When the photos arrive, the real decisions begin. Hours will likely be spent choosing the most acceptable “not-quite-smiling” photo, followed by selecting the right card, crafting the perfect message, updating addresses, deciding who makes the list, buying stamps, and hand-addressing envelopes until wrists ache and patience runs thin.

It would be easy to remove holiday cards from the to-do list altogether and reclaim a bit of mental space during an already overwhelming season. But opting out comes with its own consequences—disappointed relatives and unmet expectations. That reality became clear after skipping the cards one year, when loved ones felt the absence deeply, not just of the tradition itself but of the connection it represented.

Emotional labor—the unpaid, often invisible work of managing feelings, expectations, and harmony—still falls largely on women, and it intensifies during the holidays. The season brings longer mental checklists, fuller calendars, more coordination, and greater pressure to create a sense of magic for everyone else. Keeping everything running smoothly requires a tremendous amount of effort that often goes unseen and unacknowledged.

Experts who work with people struggling under the weight of emotional labor note that the holidays frequently magnify the problem. It’s a time when many take on too much, push their own needs aside, and treat exhaustion as part of the tradition rather than a warning sign.

“Pressuring yourself to create the ‘perfect holiday’ can quickly ramp up stress, and taking on too much often leads to exhaustion and burnout,” an expert explained.

Ways to Handle the Stress of Emotional Labor During the Holidays

I do my best to prioritize self-care during the holidays, usually with a bit of yoga and plenty of decaf green tea to help manage stress. Still, the overwhelm sneaks in. While my partner handles the lights and tree, most of the holiday planning falls on me.

I’m the one scheduling parties and potlucks, tracking winter coat drives, organizing family get-togethers, and figuring out gifts for everyone. The mental load is relentless and exhausting, stretching on until at least the new year. Normally, being this productive would feel empowering—but during the holidays, it just feels like I’m constantly coming up short.

Experts note that this kind of intense pressure can foster perfectionism, which in its extreme forms has been linked to mental health challenges. Studies connect perfectionism with anxiety, depression, and, in some cases, thoughts of self-harm.

I don’t usually chase perfection, but the holidays make it easy to notice all the ways I could do more. We could go cut down our own Christmas tree, though I’ve never actually planned it. I could learn to sew a festive table runner and matching napkins, or build an elaborate gingerbread house from scratch if I really applied myself. I tell myself I’m probably doing enough, yet there’s always the nagging thought that I could be doing more.

Wilding suggests that one way to counter those irrational feelings is to gradually step back from Instagram. It’s sound advice—research shows that heavy social media use is associated with higher levels of loneliness, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.

“Social media can make it feel like everyone else’s life is perfect and magical—except yours,” she explained.

Wilding advises using the time you’d normally spend scrolling through Facebook for genuinely restorative activities (probably not elaborate gingerbread houses, unless that’s truly your thing). There’s already plenty of emotional labor to handle, so it can help to reassess your commitments and focus only on the tasks that feel meaningful to you.

“Challenge the inner critic that tells you you’re not enough,” Wilding said. That critical voice is usually wrong, she emphasized—so when it shows up, try going in the opposite direction.